Valentine’s Day is notoriously tough for police in Sex Crimes and Domestic Violence units. Those crimes spike, as folks are two-timing each other, spending too much time with their baby’s mother instead of their wife, or just plain forgetting a card. It’s amazing how often a lovers quarrel turns into a trip to lockup. But this episode took the prize for Worst Valentine’s Day Ever.

Recap: We open with a hedge-fund manager Skyping with his lingerie-clad wife. She’s in her posh kitchen in the Upper East Side; he’s in Hong Kong. But with the power of video chat, she does a sexy little striptease for him across the miles. Suddenly, a masked man bursts into the kitchen, holds a gun to the wife’s head, and rapes her on the kitchen counter – all before the eyes of her horrified and helpless husband.

The wife is kidnapped and held for $250,000 ransom. Hubby is ordered not to call the police.  But you can’t fool SVU, and they’re soon on the case. They stake out the drop point, and soon … the wife comes to pick up the cash!

Okay, that’s a tip-off that we’re not dealing with seasoned kidnappers. Sending the victim to go pick up the ransom isn’t a brilliant move.

In fact … there are no kidnappers. The wife (played by the wonderful Chloë Sevigny), was sleeping with multiple delivery men, drug dealers, and even her husband’s business partner. Although she was “living the Upper East Side dream,” all those shopping sprees and trips to the Hamptons weren’t enough. So she livened things up with“screwcations” in “F-pads” while her husband was off  making the money to buy the expensive lingerie she wore to these assignations. (Did SVU just make those words up? I’m impressed, although slightly appalled … which I guess is what SVU is all about.)

And it turns out that she set up the whole rape/kidnapping, by convincing a delivery boy to pretend to rape her. (Why? It was never clear. Maybe she wanted the ransom money? But she seemed to have plenty of pocket cash. Just for thrills then? Hard to believe a rich housewife would risk so much.)

The DA charges Chloë with obstruction of justice and making a false police report. Although a hidden video shows Chloë having a delightfully orgasmic romp with the man she claimed kidnapped her, she gets off with a mistrial by seducing a juror who hangs the jury 11-1. Meanwhile, her adoring husband defends her every step of the way.

Perhaps inspired by how stupid that husband was, Nick follows his own wife (who we’ve suspected of cheating on him for a while now). He sees her knocking on the door of another man’s house. Ouch.

Verdict: B

What They Got Right:

There have been some notorious false claims of rape. A female prison psychologist in Sacramento, Laurie Ann Martinez, recently faked an assault to try to convince her husband that they needed to move to a better neighborhood. She split her own lip with a pin, scraped her knuckles with sandpaper and had her friend punch her in the face. Investigators say she even ripped open her blouse and wet her pants to look like she’d been knocked unconscious. If you want a new zip code, I recommend enlisting a realtor and having a heart-to-heart with your spouse instead.

 

Similarly, a weather reporter falsely claimed that she’d been raped while jogging through Central Park. She did it for the attention.

While false reports make headlines, the vast majority of reports of sexual assault are authentic. While hard to estimate for obvious reasons, many sources say that only one to two percent of rape reports are faked – about the same rate of false reporting as in every other crime.

 

Another authentic detail was the fact that the wife at first blamed “three black men” for her kidnapping. We’ve seen this pattern so many times: a white women falsely reporting a crime, blaming a fictional black man for perpetrating it. The most notorious and despicable of this was Susan Smith, who drowned her own children, then falsely claimed that a black man carjacked them.

 

 

 

A modern and politically charged version of blackman blaming was the case of Ashley Todd. She was a John McCain campaign volunteer who claimed that a black man saw her McCain bumper sticker, beat her up, and then branded her face with a “B” for Barack. But the “B” on her face was backwards, as if scratched on in a mirror. Todd soon fessed up to having staged the whole thing herself.

 

What they got wrong:

I was shocked to hear Olivia say why she didn’t believe Chloe’s story: “Most rape victims shut down,” Olivia said. “But not her.” That’s wrong. Crime victims react in every possible way: from sobbing, tearing at their hair, or rolling on the floor, to dead calm, matter-of-fact, emotionless recitations. Some get sad, some angry, some laugh out of nervousness. One reaction is not any more valid or truthful than the other. Of all the characters in this show, Olivia would know that.

Nick told Chloe, “The rape kit shows that you were sexually assaulted.” A rape kit can’t do that. It can reveal whether the victim was injured or not. Swabs can be tested for the presence of semen, saliva, and blood. If found, a DNA profile can be built. Hair can be plucked, fingernails scraped. But – as seen in this case – a rape kit can’t say whether or not someone was sexually assaulted. Very often, the forensic evidence of a rape is exactly the same as the evidence of consensual sex.  A rape kit can support a claim of sexual assault, but does not, alone, prove it.

But perhaps the most unrealistic thing about the entire episode was how sweet and supportive this millionaire hedge fund manager was.

Well, SVU fans, what do you think? How likely is a real Upper East Side housewife to stage a rape while Skyping with her husband? Is Nick going to pretend he didn’t see his wife going to her F-pad , or will confront her about it? And, if the latter, will he be wise enough to check his gun at the police station first?  Leave your comments!